THESE DYNAMIC BOOKS ARE SURE TO LIFT YOUR SPIRITS

Book excerpt from: "Ready for the next round", Second edition (Pages 206 - 214) (This excerpt has been re-edited therefore, it is slightly different from the one in the book).

​Interesting College Work Study 

Everyone needs money to survive. This is especially true in economically challenged or expensive places to live, like New York.  Most people have a lot of financial responsibility and not enough money. This was as true for me as is for many others; I had to earn extra money while in college. In addition to my paycheck, I earned money doing college work-study. To make ends meet, I also worked off of the books for professors. These professors worked on their doctorate degrees so they could eventually become full-time, tenured professors. My job was to visit the library and get information on the different studies the professors needed to write their dissertation. I am including a these studies on Dr. Kevin Leman’s "Birth Order” and Abraham Maslow’s "Hierarchy of Needs” because, after reading them, I learned how they impacted my life.

The first study I did for a professor was on our “Birth Order.” Prior to learning about birth order, the following scenario would occur. While socializing in a club, I may meet an attractive woman for the first time and introduce myself. To break the ice and keep the conversation going, I would ask her to tell me her astrological sign and she would ask me to tell her mine. She may tell me she is a Cancer and I tell her I am a Libra. No matter what sign she told me she was, I would try to make us compatible. The more we drank, the easier it became for us to believe we were compatible. So, I did not mind buying her drinks. I needed to convince her that, “Lust at first sight” was really “Love at first sight.” However, most of those relationships ended the next day along with the hangover.

To me, the astrological sign did not mean anything because, I have met many people with the same sign, but they have totally different personalities. I am not saying the astrological sign ideology does not work, I am saying I do not know enough about its tenets to make it work for me. As a result of reading about and studying “Birth Order” however, I found it a better predictor of the human personality and behavior. For example, I learned from birth order that, most first-born children have something in common. Parents train them to be leaders. According to the literature, leaders are not born; they are taught to become leaders. Parents also instill their values and traditions into their first-born child to insure those values and traditions are carried on. One interesting note to keep in mind is that “Birth Order” starts all over with the fourth child and he/she becomes a first-born.

There are many variables and exceptions to rules associated with a child’s birth order. For example, sometimes the first-born is a girl and two years later the couple has a boy. In many cases, parents feel boys will carry on the family name, be stronger leaders, and a stronger channel to carry on their heritage; therefore they skip over or dethrone the girl and give the leadership position to the boy.

Some girls will accept being dethroned without a problem because when they attend church, they see a male minister leading the church, while attending high school they see a male principal, in college a male president and in the work place, they see a lot of male bosses. So, our environment has psychological predetermined the role for females as underlings. Some girls, on the other hand, will fight for their rightful role in the family. By the time she reaches the age of seven, she will remember that before her little brother came on the scene, things were fine with just Mom, Dad and her.

Now little brother is here to challenge her and take her position and her parents are allowing him. One day, she sees him naked in the bathtub and recognizes that their genitals are the only major difference between them. Sigmund Freud suggests that all females suffer from penis envy. I cannot say that I agree with him because I do not know how he reached his conclusion. I do know that some girls will fight for their role in a family and manage to win or at least share that role.

Imagine being married to a first born dethroned female who did not want to give up that role to a younger male or female sibling. A continuous fight for the role as head of household could ensue. Also, I wonder what effect the repeated threats by an older sister could have on her little brother. Does he grow up to hate women?

Another potential problem is when two first-born people get married and the woman is smarter and better trained than the man. It would seem that she is better suited for the leadership position in that household, but many men feel that it is their God given right to be the leader and they will fight for that role even if it means ending the marriage. According to the literature I read, first-born children stay in failed marriages longer because they want to please their parents and carry on that tradition of a nuclear family. After all, they are the ones who set the example. If they fail, it may cause a ripple effect and cause the others to fail as well.

The literature shows that first-born children are smarter than their siblings and they take their role seriously. They do become leaders inside and outside of the family setting. During World War II, there were more first-born Ace flyers than any other birth order group. Out of the first 23 astronauts sent into space by the US National Aeronautics and Space Administration, 21 were first-born children. The other two were only children.

Almost all of the U.S. Presidents were either the first-born child or the first-born son in their families. Our 44th president, Barack Hussein Obama, is a first-born child. Whether you call former president William Jefferson Clinton, Bill Clinton or by his birth name, William Jefferson Blythe III, he is a first-born child and a true leader. The woman he married is also a first-born child and a true leader. President George Walker Bush, the 43rd president of the United States is also a first-born child. Although he is unpopular now, he was voted in as our leader for two four-year terms. His wife, Laura Welch Bush, is an only child. Oprah Winfrey is also a first born. First-born children are similar in temperament to children without siblings. They still have many first-born characteristics. Younger siblings typically earn better grades in school, even though first-born siblings tend to score higher on intelligence tests. Additionally, first-born and only children are usually neat, organized and act like mature adults all of their lives. They select special friends who become friends for life; not just anyone can be their friend. They have their own special criteria for who will be their friend. Unless they are taught differently by their parents, they are often spoiled, selfish, self-centered and may appear emotionally detached.

As a school administrator, I utilized my knowledge of birth order to get things done efficiently. For example, when I had several projects to do, I would put first-born people in charge. I would not tell anyone that I selected students based on their birth order. I surmised it would work out better that way and it usually did. The ‘baby’, or last child, have played the role of “follow the leader,” so it was easy for me to just let them know their jobs and they usually did it without question.

Middle children are the most difficult. They are usually friendly, outgoing and have many friends, often handle disappointments better. They do not get the attention from their parents that the first-born or the baby child do, therefore they find ways to get their attention outside of the family. I am a middle child, (sixth born) and that assessment fits me. I got all my attention from my teachers and from my friends. The middle child may experience more trouble in marriage than the other groups. They are usually very independent and do not adhere to their parents’ values as much as the first-born. If they put on a shoe that does not fit, they will not wear that shoe, no matter what others think. Usually rebellious, they question everything, therefore I knew I had to give them choices of which project to work on and give them a choice of who would be their leader. Sometimes, middle children are considered too independent to be controlled by the first-born and too impatient to put up with the manipulative games of the baby child.Emotionally, they may feel left out misunderstood, and have trouble being a part of a group.

According to Dr. Kevin Leman, author of “The Birth Order Book", middle children become skilled in diplomacy. Dr. Leman also tells us that, Richard Millhouse Nixon and George Herbert Walker Bush are both middle children and considered our most skilled and successful presidents when it comes to foreign affairs and diplomacy. Some first born children become angry after being dethroned and they take that anger out on their younger siblings. Reading about this and other similar stories helped me understand how my older siblings felt about me. I succeeded in spite of their efforts to discourage me.

Last-born children usually seek attention and they know how to get it. They can be very entertaining and funny (Drew Carey, Jim Carey, Billy Crystal, Eddie Murphy, Rosie O’Donnell, and Whoopi Goldberg). When it comes to a goal, many youngest just won't give up! They are also known to be great storytellers, and youngest children often have plenty of hugs and kisses to give out.

Everyone looks out for the baby child. Most of the time, the baby child knows he/she can easily get their way just by looking sad, helpless, or crying. They become good manipulators according to Adler (1964). They often feel that nobody takes them seriously and treat them like they are younger than they really are.

I read all this information on birth order because I thought it would help me chose the right mate for marriage. I concluded that baby children and first born children may make good matches in marriage because the ‘baby’ is used to being led and the first born is used to leading.

Only children grew up never having to share the bathroom, toys, or the TV. Try to imagine the effects this would have on your personality and your relationships with others? Some famous only children are, Robert DeNiro, Tommie Lee Jones, Robin Williams, Natalie Portman, Charlize Theron, and Sara Michelle Gellar. According to the literature, they spend a lot of time with grown-ups, so they can often be confident and well-spoken. Sometimes people even think of them as "little adults"! At the same time, they can find themselves under a ton of pressure to succeed.

Some common personality traits of the only child are, they are usually not afraid to make decisions and are comfortable with their opinions, they like things to be organized and are often on time, they tend to read a lot and have a good memory for facts and figures. Only children might have difficulty sharing or going second because they have always been first in line for everything. They tend to be overly critical: While being a perfectionist is not such a bad thing, they may have a tendency to take this to extremes and be really critical of themselves and others.

When a first-born child marries a first-born child, sparks can fly. Leaders are taught to be leaders. There are no born leaders. So, if the girl’s parents taught her to be a better leader, the guy may not accept his role as a subordinate without a fight. They may stay together to fulfill their parents’ wishes and carry out the tradition, but you can bet there is a never-ending war for leadership going on in their home. I often wondered what happens to an eleven year old, first born girl if her parents become divorced or widowed, and the parent re-married to a new spouse who already have a ten year old first born and they both have younger siblings. Who becomes the new first born? I would like to know the effects of "Birth Order" when children are blended into another family. I reviewed many other studies but the "Birth Order" study had the most profound effect on me in terms of sorting out some of the mysteries of my personality.

Another study that had an impact on me was Maslow’s "Hierarchy of Needs”. In this study, Abraham Maslow contends that we all have a five level hierarchy of needs that drive our personal growth process. These needs are represented in a pyramid with the more primitive needs at the bottom. Starting from the bottom, the needs are “Physiological” (breathing, food, water, sex, sleep, homeostasis and excretion). According to Maslow, our physical needs take precedence over all other needs. These needs can control our thoughts, behaviors and they can make people feel sickness, pain and discomfort.

The second level of the pyramid is “Safety” (security of body, of employment, of resources, of morality, of the family, of health and property.) On this level we need to protect ourselves from crime, build some security from lay-offs, take care of our health and well-being and protect ourselves from accidents/illness and adverse impacts. The third level is “Love-Belonging” (friendship, family and sexual intimacy). These are human needs that tell us that we need a sense of belonging and acceptance. These needs can come from a large social group (such as clubs, office culture, religious groups, professional organizations, sports teams, gangs), or small social connections (family members, intimate partners, mentors, close colleagues, confidants). If these needs are not satisfied, many people become lonely and depressed and turn to drugs or alcohol for relief. The fourth level is “Esteem” (self-esteem, confidence, achievement, respect of others and respect by others). We need to engage in some type of activity that will give us recognition and a sense of contribution. We need to feel accepted and valued. People with low self-esteem usually suffer from depression. At the top of the pyramid is “Self-actualization” (morality, creativity, spontaneity, problem solving, and lack of prejudice and acceptance of fact). This is the stage where we make the most of our abilities and strive to be the best we can be. Maslow believed that if these needs are not met at some point, we would become stuck. After reading this study, I often wondered if I got stuck when it came to my relationships with women.